Ever sense I was around six years old, I have found myself flying from Seattle to San Fransisco at most twice a month. In the beginning I flew with my older-than-me-by-three-years brother, but he moved down to live with our dad, as that is who in is California, so I from then on flew alone. Most people gasp or are shocked when they find out, but to me it was so natural. It was all part of my life. Even now looking back on it I can't find why it was such a big deal, to fly alone.

But yesterday, as I was sitting in the airport waiting to board my plane, I saw mother on her knees hugging a little girl goodbye. The mother was trying to be strong for her little girl, telling her that her dad would be on the other side waiting and that she was going to have fun. And the little girl was trying to be strong for her mom, telling her mom that she knew and that she was exited. Both were willing to believe the other and both had fear reflected in their eyes.

I realised that at that moment I wanted to be going on that airplane with that little girl, to sit next to her and give her someone with a friendly face that was wiling to sit and talk or play with her. But the longer I thought about it I realized that the reason I was okay with flying alone for all those years, wasn't because I was just used to it, but that part of me was stronger from it.

I then, belatedly, realized that I was standing in the middle of the hallway staring at them. I blushed and quickly headed back on my own course, and left them to theirs.

Cheers to airplanes
Cheers to nice people who sit on them
Cheers to visiting ones dad
Cheers to moms trying to be strong
Cheers to being able to blush
and Cheers to realizing that even if thing weren't the best, they are apart of who you are.

I have always had problems with people and sexuality. Not in the sense that I am disturbed by it, but a fear of people directing sexual intent towards me. This has grown out of 'incidents' strung out over the course of my short, yet seemingly twice as much, 16 years. These 'incidents' started with one when I was still an innocent little girl, fortunately, or unfortunately in some ways, I do not remember any of it and nor does my mom know.

After that there is one, if not a few more, of these terrible moments of which I do not remember. And its not like I woke up outside after I had stormed out of the house in a teen age fit, as I find that much to cliche and, not to mention stupid. No, these where moments when I would wake up in the morning feeling violated in ways I can not permit myself to write down. The door was left unlocked, my widow was open, and we might possibly have a guest at the time.

Other moments I can remember, like some one purposefully coping a 'feel' as they pass me, on the streets, in school, on a bus. Or the man at the bookstore who, as I found out by turning around, had been- pleasuring-, himself to me, fully out and visible. Some moments were less in direction, such as the man at 7 Eleven who's pants fell of the day he went commando. All of this has led me to have a small fear of men, especially men standing behind me.

But all this brings me to todays lovely experience, my first gynecology exam. I was lucky in my doctor being not only female but familiar, and her assistant my absolute favorite nurse. But my fear made me quiver at stripping down and letting someone invade my space more than my, or any, little sister can on a bad day. And so I will embarrassingly, but not with any shame, that I had mom come in and stand next to me. And I More than glad I did, she held my hand as I bit hers in tension, and talked to me about things that would no doubt work as a distraction. She also told me what was happening without looking, as she has gone through them enough to know.

Everyone should be able to open up to their mom, and I know as the world isn't perfect you should at least try. If someone does not have a mom, or has one very rarely, the find someone who can be one for you. It is so important to have a good female role model and someone you can trust that can be at your side during things like the exam. And though it may seem embarrassing at first, you wont regret it after.

Cheers to fear of sex that wont get me pregnant
Cheers to gynecology and burning pap smears
Cheers to tetanus shots that make your arm swell
Cheers to distractions and blighting a mothers hand
Cheers to mothers reminding their fear struck daughters to breath
Cheers to mothers being role models
Cheers to mothers
Cheers to Mom

~I love you mom, and thank you sooo much for today. I probably would have kicked my poor doctor in the face. You are a role model that one can aspire to be like. You may say that you have weaknesses, but that is the key, you know them and you work to fix them, and that makes you stronger everyday. I am proud to be your daughter. I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!~�

I have gone through life getting sick often and struggling with school work. Slowly it got worse, headaches, low energy, cognitive issues, increased depression, and soreness all over. I have been taking anti-depressants for over a year, and at first they seemed to work like a dream, getting rid of some of my symptoms and for some of the others I was prescribed ADD medication. Unfortunately the ADD meds either gave me a head splitting headache or resulted in not being able to sit still at all. And recently my anti-depressants had seemingly stopped working. In the past my depression led to cutting, and recently I engaged in doing so again.

Now I am tired all the time no matter how much, or little, sleep I get. I have what I call a "shut off point" were I seem to end up unable to do much of anything, even talking seems to become a chore. I also have problems thinking complete thoughts sometimes and my sentences don't always come out strait. So now I am to have all sorts of tests done.

So cheers to doctors and their many big words.
Cheers to Anti-Emo pills and ADD meds.
Cheers to Yawns and dry eyes and heavy eye lids.
Cheers to little cuts in skin.
Cheers to test that will let me know whats wrong.
Cheers...

This Blog...

... I going to log my travels through all the doctor visits and me living with depression.