I have always had problems with people and sexuality. Not in the sense that I am disturbed by it, but a fear of people directing sexual intent towards me. This has grown out of 'incidents' strung out over the course of my short, yet seemingly twice as much, 16 years. These 'incidents' started with one when I was still an innocent little girl, fortunately, or unfortunately in some ways, I do not remember any of it and nor does my mom know.

After that there is one, if not a few more, of these terrible moments of which I do not remember. And its not like I woke up outside after I had stormed out of the house in a teen age fit, as I find that much to cliche and, not to mention stupid. No, these where moments when I would wake up in the morning feeling violated in ways I can not permit myself to write down. The door was left unlocked, my widow was open, and we might possibly have a guest at the time.

Other moments I can remember, like some one purposefully coping a 'feel' as they pass me, on the streets, in school, on a bus. Or the man at the bookstore who, as I found out by turning around, had been- pleasuring-, himself to me, fully out and visible. Some moments were less in direction, such as the man at 7 Eleven who's pants fell of the day he went commando. All of this has led me to have a small fear of men, especially men standing behind me.

But all this brings me to todays lovely experience, my first gynecology exam. I was lucky in my doctor being not only female but familiar, and her assistant my absolute favorite nurse. But my fear made me quiver at stripping down and letting someone invade my space more than my, or any, little sister can on a bad day. And so I will embarrassingly, but not with any shame, that I had mom come in and stand next to me. And I More than glad I did, she held my hand as I bit hers in tension, and talked to me about things that would no doubt work as a distraction. She also told me what was happening without looking, as she has gone through them enough to know.

Everyone should be able to open up to their mom, and I know as the world isn't perfect you should at least try. If someone does not have a mom, or has one very rarely, the find someone who can be one for you. It is so important to have a good female role model and someone you can trust that can be at your side during things like the exam. And though it may seem embarrassing at first, you wont regret it after.

Cheers to fear of sex that wont get me pregnant
Cheers to gynecology and burning pap smears
Cheers to tetanus shots that make your arm swell
Cheers to distractions and blighting a mothers hand
Cheers to mothers reminding their fear struck daughters to breath
Cheers to mothers being role models
Cheers to mothers
Cheers to Mom

~I love you mom, and thank you sooo much for today. I probably would have kicked my poor doctor in the face. You are a role model that one can aspire to be like. You may say that you have weaknesses, but that is the key, you know them and you work to fix them, and that makes you stronger everyday. I am proud to be your daughter. I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!~�